Author: channel24news

SLC, Utah Bountiful,Woods Cross. Kiley Ann O’leary In Deep Sleep

A 15 year old girl, named Kiley Ann O’leary was stabbed and beaten between 5:15pm to 6:00pm on Monday, September 10, 2018. Found almost lifeless laying on the side of the road a mile away from her home. A neighbor spotted her, then notified the cops and parents instantly. Her Mother Angela/Angie K Lynch struggled to tell investigators when she last spoken to her. Angela says “Kiley told me she was going outside to get some fresh air” she also says, she could tell her daughter seemed a little irritated/stressed over something usually causes the “wanting fresh air” Injuries found: stabbed multiple times in the Ribs, right leg, back, and the back of her skull is more than slightly cracked, that lead to bleeding with bruising to her brain (etc.) This Has left Kiley in a coma. There’s still a possibility of this poor girl to stay strong and awake from the deep sleep. This is all the evidence investigators have so far, will update this when we have evidence.

RHS JV Football Team… and Herpes?

Sources have confirmed that there is a highly contagious breakout of herpes, an STD circulating the JV Bulldog football team. A group of experts was brought in and apparently the only cause of a breakout this big is a mega orgy between the teammates. The boys locker room is said to be a “hotbed” of disease. You must take the necessary precautions against the disease if you wish to remain herpie free. That means no physical skin to skin contact, bodily fluid exchange, and even looking at these poor men infested with the herpies virus puts you and your family at risk. Coaches have been spotted wearing medical masks and reportedly “not touching the players with a ten foot pole” Stay safe Ramona, and stay far away from the JV Bulldogs.

RHS Penis Inspection?

This Wednesday RHS staff will be administering “penis inspections” to all male students. Students will be asked to come to school cleanly groomed and ready to be inspected for weaselmites, as those have become an epidemic around our school and town. Students will be separated into two lines, circumcised and uncircumcised, to be treated in the best way possible. If a students penis is seen to be infested with weaselmites, they will immediately be wrapped and taped as to treat the mites and not spread the vermin any further around the school. Principal Tony Newman is advocating for this new type of inspection, “Just to be as thorough as possible.” Students will be issued a pass/fail grade, if a student fails, they will be excluded from all school events. “These are the necessary precautions that we must be taking” – Mike Ernst